Are You Distancing Yourself From God Unintentionally?

As a Theology (Religious Studies) major in college, I read through our texts each week and reflect on my own life in relation to the objectives and concepts we’re learning. This week in Spiritual formation, I find myself praising God that I chose to take this course this session because we are studying the balance between being and doing which is really hitting home for me. I most certainly sacrifice the “being” aspect in regards to maintaining an intimate and consistent relationship with God — gathering my strength and energy from Him. Most days, I run on little to nothing while giving 110% to causes unworthy of all the sacrifices I make to fulfill my activities and obligations. I sacrifice time with my kids, study time, personal time, prayer time, and sleep time to keep my design business going steady.

I overload my plate on a regular basis and I habitually push myself to meet deadlines and accept projects that require me to operate on about four hours of sleep. I dedicate myself to my own ambitions while pushing this ministry (among other things) to the backburner. I float through many days delirious and grabbing few-minute naps here and there where I can. Every couple of weeks I will completely crash, but the vicious cycle only gets worse at that point because then I feel guilty as though sleep is “unproductive.”

Right now, we are studying Life You’ve Always Wanted by John Ortberg, Conformed to His Image by Kenneth Boa, and Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald. These readings have spoken volumes in my spirit and I know that if I am ever going to truly be usable by God, I have to better manage my life – I have to take better care of myself and devote more time to my relationship with Him. As much as it pains me to admit it, despite my desire to be obedient and pleasing to God, my actions reflect what Kenneth Boa describes to be, “the false belief that we have a better understanding and desire for what is best for us than God does.” I’m essentially ignoring His instruction and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, substituting my work for His Will.

My activities are most definitely NOT flowing out of a life energized by a growing relationship with the Lord. If anything, I’m distancing myself from Him by trusting my own ability to provide rather than in His promise of provision as the reward for my obedience and worship. I’m basically shooting myself in the foot. The practical steps I can take to bring my “doing” in balance with my “being” would likely start with examining and redirecting the focus of my heart and resisting the temptation to lose site of the necessity of integrating Christ into every aspect of my life. Other changes I need to make include praying more and making time to study God’s Word OUTSIDE of assigned class readings!

The final step I believe is to condition myself to “see life from God’s side” so that I am not journeying “through life … missing the point.” (Quotes from Kenneth Boa)

Reflecting on a story I read about a man and his experience with cancer, I started asking myself, “Why is it that it takes nearly dying before many of us are able to even consider the joy and blessing in the simplicity of just being alive?” I know that it is often said that we don’t know what we have until it’s gone, but why is that? Why do we have to lose a thing to appreciate it — to even really consider it? Why are we not as enthusiastic about our life and our family and our relationships on a daily basis as this man was when he found out he was in fact NOT going to die? Why are we not as grateful for the life we have each and every day as he was when we found out he would in fact NOT be losing it? John Ortberg wrote, “The very selfishness that keeps me from pouring myself out for the joy of others also keeps me from noticing and delighting in the myriad small gifts God offers each day.” We should be able to see the precious gift of life in each and every moment we experience it, but more often than not, it just simply is not that way. We get so wrapped up in ourselves that we take the way things are for granted until we are presented with the prospect of it changing.

As a final thought, I want to share something very personal. In class, we were challenged to document our experience during a 2-hour “retreat” during which we isolated ourselves from everything but God. It was actually a total failure for me. I’m so accustomed to being consumed with work and obligations and responsibilities that withdrawing from all of those things to turn inward and upward was nearly impossible for me and — dare I say — even somewhat painful! I wasn’t able to focus because my mind is conditioned to constantly be at “work” so I was completely preoccupied by what wasn’t getting done while I was doing nothing. It makes me ashamed, saddened, and disappointed that I’ve allowed my life to get to a point where my actions basically declare that God is obsolete and that work is my priority. I’m grateful for the challenge, however, because I see it as a definite turning point. I was forced to be honest with myself about how far I’ve allowed distractions to separate me from my personal relationship with God and it’s truly ridiculous. John Ortberg also wrote, “the great danger is not that we will renounce our faith, but settle for a mediocre version of it.” That struck me deeply because it’s exactly what I’ve done and I can’t waste any time reversing that in my life — “slowing” myself down.